Vests for Ducks

A growing problem…

Here at Vests for Ducks, we care about the important, real, existing environmental issues. And we’re here to help.

Our ducks are in trouble; an affliction called Insufficient Fanciness Syndrome (IFS) is threatening their very survival. Once rare, IFS has increased at an alarming rate over the last umpteen years; today, this ailment plagues approximately 35% of the Ontario male duck population.

What is IFS?

Simply put, male ducks suffering from IFS are not fancy enough; their feathers are bland and their beaks are droopy. They lack the ducky charisma of a healthy bird. These characteristics prevent male ducks from finding a suitable mate (female ducks are very superficial). This in turn limits reproduction and leads to the three ‘Duck D’s’: Duck depression, duck despair, and duck drug abuse.

The causes of IFS are not certain, but research by science-type people has found links between IFS and the following factors:

• industrial effluence
• industrial affluence
• merciless fashion trends
• Right Said Fred
• secret directives from Value Village
• Y2K

What is being done?

Since nineteen-ought something, Vests for Ducks has worked hard to combat the ill effects of IFS. Our caring, empathetic staff (solely volunteers) locates these poor creatures in the wild and adorns them with garments that increase their overall fanciness. This helps to make the male ducks more attractive to the females, alleviating the condition. We’ve made much headway, but we cannot continue without your help.

What can you do to help?

We understand that not everyone can commit to ongoing support, so we offer two donation options:

Ongoing Support:

Your pledge of just $16 a month will allow Vests for Ducks to establish and maintain the fanciness of a single duck affected by IFS. This money will ensure that he is kept in the highest quality vest, hat and tie, at absolutely no cost to him. If you so choose, you can write to your duck, and exchange photographs and bits of reed.

One-time Donation:

If your economic situation keeps you from an ongoing commitment, but you still have the heart and soul to help, we offer the option of a one-time donation. A minimum of $10 helps support the entire duck community, aiding in services such as:

• fitting and relining
• expert tie tying
• button replacement
• hatpin repair
• lice removal

We need your help fighting IFS.

Please, try to find it in your heart to help us alleviate this grievous, actual condition. For more information, or to pledge your support, please contact us at 1-888-STOP-IFS today. Both Vests for Ducks and countless bland water fowl thank you in advance.

Under the impression

(Written years ago, cleaned up slightly)

When people make a guess or an assumption, they sometimes say that they are 'under the impression' that it is or was true.

"Well, I was under the impression that Terrence had genital herpes when I told twelve people."

It sounds so passive, like the person is a victim of their own opinions; I imagine a naked, obese, mentally retarded man with IMPRESSION written in finger paint across his chest, sitting squarely on the thinker. The thinker is not responsible for what goes on, because the impression has all the power. It sounds far too honest and vulnerable to say 'I assumed that' or 'I guessed that.' People are generally under the impression of something when they're later being given shit for thinking it. But when their thoughts are confirmed, they'll often say 'I thought so' or even 'I knew it.'

meeting new people

I recently gave some thought (if you want to call it that) to the phrase meeting new people.

Why does Shelly frequent the bar? Why does Jagdeep put his best electronic foot forward on dating websites? Why does that creep who hangs out at the Laundromat spend money to produce professional-looking business cards, offering free foot massages to women? The answer is this: they all want to meet new people--or so they think. But they will not meet new people. They will meet new people if they visit a maternity ward, but probably not while trolling for sex or rubbing feet (which is often an indirect method of sex trolling).

They will, however, meet people whom they have not previously met. But that phrasing long and boring. They will also meet unfamiliar people--again, not as sparkly as new; the 'un' in 'unfamiliar' lends the phrase a negative tone. Besides that, who enjoys being classified based on what they are not? We'll just skip past meeting strange people.

So we'll stick with meeting new people for now. While not entirely accurate, the phrase is a reflection of our culture. We like to buy new things and have new experiences, so to me it seems only fitting that we also think of the people we meet as new. For a while, anyway.

You invite several friends over for a circle jerk. Unfortunately, due to unavoidable events, only one friend makes it. So it's just you and your friend.

If you proceed as planned with the festivities, is it technically a line jerk?