Vests for Ducks

A growing problem…

Here at Vests for Ducks, we care about the important, real, existing environmental issues. And we’re here to help.

Our ducks are in trouble; an affliction called Insufficient Fanciness Syndrome (IFS) is threatening their very survival. Once rare, IFS has increased at an alarming rate over the last umpteen years; today, this ailment plagues approximately 35% of the Ontario male duck population.

What is IFS?

Simply put, male ducks suffering from IFS are not fancy enough; their feathers are bland and their beaks are droopy. They lack the ducky charisma of a healthy bird. These characteristics prevent male ducks from finding a suitable mate (female ducks are very superficial). This in turn limits reproduction and leads to the three ‘Duck D’s’: Duck depression, duck despair, and duck drug abuse.

The causes of IFS are not certain, but research by science-type people has found links between IFS and the following factors:

• industrial effluence
• industrial affluence
• merciless fashion trends
• Right Said Fred
• secret directives from Value Village
• Y2K

What is being done?

Since nineteen-ought something, Vests for Ducks has worked hard to combat the ill effects of IFS. Our caring, empathetic staff (solely volunteers) locates these poor creatures in the wild and adorns them with garments that increase their overall fanciness. This helps to make the male ducks more attractive to the females, alleviating the condition. We’ve made much headway, but we cannot continue without your help.

What can you do to help?

We understand that not everyone can commit to ongoing support, so we offer two donation options:

Ongoing Support:

Your pledge of just $16 a month will allow Vests for Ducks to establish and maintain the fanciness of a single duck affected by IFS. This money will ensure that he is kept in the highest quality vest, hat and tie, at absolutely no cost to him. If you so choose, you can write to your duck, and exchange photographs and bits of reed.

One-time Donation:

If your economic situation keeps you from an ongoing commitment, but you still have the heart and soul to help, we offer the option of a one-time donation. A minimum of $10 helps support the entire duck community, aiding in services such as:

• fitting and relining
• expert tie tying
• button replacement
• hatpin repair
• lice removal

We need your help fighting IFS.

Please, try to find it in your heart to help us alleviate this grievous, actual condition. For more information, or to pledge your support, please contact us at 1-888-STOP-IFS today. Both Vests for Ducks and countless bland water fowl thank you in advance.